


Dangerously

by httpjunbob



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Doubt, Fluff, Humor, Just all thought, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25358548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/httpjunbob/pseuds/httpjunbob
Summary: It was inevitable. The moment I offered myself I knew it would end up this way. But it still hurts unexpectedly. To be honest, it hurts unfathomably. As I empty the fifth bottle of whisky as my companion through this lonely night, the reality just keeps getting clearer for me. As a broken heart reliever, reciprocation is never certain and sadly, it will never be definite.
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Comments: 9
Kudos: 23





	Dangerously

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few heads up:  
> -this is in first POV  
> \- I put brackets for flashbacks because I used italicize for emphasis   
> -suggested track: Charlie Puth’s Dangerously (I thought of this plot while listening to it.)  
> -I hope you have fun reading this!  
> -LAST AND THE VERY IMPORTANT OF ALL, JunBob Nation Rise!

It was inevitable. The moment I offered myself I knew it would end up this way. But it still hurts unexpectedly. To be honest, it hurts _unfathomably_. As I empty the fifth bottle of whisky as my companion through this lonely night, the reality just keeps getting clearer for me. As a broken heart reliever, reciprocation is never certain and sadly, it will never be definite. 

I have done everything I can; I have filled up every hole he has, I have stitched every torn pieces up and I’m sure as hell that I have poured my all to everything that is not full to the point that it’s already spilling. And that’s how I came to realize, I will never be enough. I will never complete Jiwon because it was not me whom he needed. It was not me whom he wanted. And most importantly, it _is_ not me whom he really loves. 

I am just a mere patch to cover the hole in his heart. I am just a mere adhesive to piece his broken heart back together. And that makes me shameful and pathetic and crazy. I know how people stare at me with pitiful eyes. I also know what they tell me behind my back.

But after all this time, I still stayed. I stayed rooted on my feet from where I _thought_ I should be. I continued being his beacon of light during his dark times; I have offered my hand countless of times to pull him up whenever he fall down. But maybe, I am getting tired. I am almost empty to the point that I can’t give anything anymore.

I laugh from the absurdity at the same time, cry for the reality. Why am I feeling the pain when all I have given was my love? Why am I being miserable when all I have ever done was to ease his pain?

 _Replacement_. That’s right. I was just a replacement for his failed relationship with Kim Hanbin. Maybe it was really what I wanted to be. I have waited for my time. And I gladly grabbed it the moment I heard the news that they broke apart.

Maybe I deserved all of this. My sin? I fell in love with my _best friend’s boyfriend_. But truth be told, I met him first and the most worth taking note of it all, I fell in love _first_. But love does not take into account who did what first. What love takes into account is who made the move, on who conquered it. And that’s my fatal blow because I have been the coward one. I failed to budge and I only realized I had loss my chance when it was already too late. So I waited. But in the first place, it was already a losing battle.

Don’t I deserve to be happy? Maybe I don’t and maybe I had the chance to turn my misery around but I did not. I can’t blame Jiwon either. I was the one who _forced_ my way inside when I was uninvited. But now I’m feeling weary, I am already feeling tired and numb and completely worn out. But I can’t go out.

“Come on, that’s enough. Koo Junhoe, it’s not yet the end for you.” Jung Chanwoo, the sole witness of my misery. The only one who saw me in my pitiful state. And the only one who is willing to get me out of this hellhole. But I got bad news for him. I don’t want to get out of it, myself. 

I whined and tried to pull the bottle close to my chest. For once, I wanted to pamper myself. I wanted to drink all my miseries away and no one can stop me. “Junhoe, please worry about yourself for once. Stop wallowing in misery and be happy for yourself just this once. Stop doing that and start loving your own self again. The love you wanted to feel will be given by no one else but _you_ so please wake the fuck up!”

It was a good talk. Chanwoo honestly made sense. So for the nth time, my eyes brimmed with tears. Is it really wrong to love someone dangerously? I wailed all my sorrows away and Chanwoo sheltered me from the pouring storm inside me. He embraced me until I empty all my pain out.

“What should I do?” I asked still sniffing from the breakdown I had a few minutes ago.

“Love yourself again. You can’t love anyone when you, yourself don’t even love your own self.” I looked at him with sorry eyes.

“If I leave him, he will be alone again. And I don’t want that to happen. I have saved him from his pits of hell only to push him again towards it? I can’t do that, Chanwoo. That will make me be like his ex. No, I won’t do that.” I shook my head furiously. I can’t do it, I will never do it!

“Wake up! You are not being selfless anymore, what you have been doing is already selfishness! Have you asked Jiwon if he really wanted you to stay?” I was slapped by the reality. Chanwoo has been telling me all of this but I never listened to him. Does Jiwon really wanted me to stay? I don’t know. I only thought he needs me. I can’t answer my friend’s series of questions. Because I, myself don’t know the answer.

“It’s your time now to end your worst nightmare. Junhoe, I will be here for you. You can get out of that bad dream and we will be there for you. If you really wanted to be happy, stop clinging on to him. Can you be honest with me, Junhoe, do you still love yourself?”

[ “Why did you do that?” I asked Hanbin with all my hatred. He came to me to break the news that he broke up with him because he doesn’t love him anymore. Is he thinking that I will be happy to hear that? “Where is he?” I need to go to Jiwon. I have to be with him.

“It’s true. I don’t love him anymore.” Hanbin confessed, but he’s more like a talking dead man; there is no sense of life in his eyes, he looks like he is on an autopilot. “Hanbin, you knew it would end up this way, why did you even started it in the first place?” I don’t know how to react;I am confused, I am in pain, I am mad. Fuck but Jiwon needs to be with someone right now. And that someone is _me_!

Right after Hanbin uttered the place where the man is in right now, I wasted no chance and run towards my car and sped off. Hanbin was a closeted gay. He came from a reserved family and any form of moral liberation is forbidden. Hanbin knew that both of them will end up hurting but he still did it. “Please take care of him for me.” I managed to hear before I leave him inside our shared apartment.

I scoff as my vision was suddenly clouded with tears that I hit the brakes off in the middle of the highway. All I care about right now is Jiwon. Hell, he’s the _most_ important person right now! I wiped the stupid tears off my cheeks harshly and doubled the acceleration of my speed.

Heart-breaking was an understatement. Seeing Jiwon nursing an half-empty bottle of Bacardi while tears spill from his eyes is my worst nightmare. _If you have just chosen me._

I walked my way towards him and caught the thick bottle before he can take another swig of the deadly liquid. “That’s enough Jiwon. Come on, I’ll take you home.” I put a tough facade and stared at him with all seriousness. “Oh, Junhoe. How did you find me here?” Jiwon’s words are slurred and completely wasted. I faced the bartender behind the bar counter and asked how many bottles had Jiwon drink. The bulky man with tattoos on his arms gestured _three_. Fuck, this guy can only handle a few glasses.

“Come on, Jiwon. I have to take you home now.” I’m grunting while I put the man’s weight on my back. Until all the way to my car, Jiwon keeps on talking incoherent words. And before I close the door to the passenger seat, I heard the last thing he muttered before losing his consciousness. “I love you so much, my Bin.” And as if it was the last string of hope that I have but it was suddenly cut, I fell on my knees. And in the silence of an empty parking lot, I buried the broken pieces of my heart to the ground.

“Is he okay? Was he crying? Was he also miserable?” Jiwon asked while I put him to bed. I hushed him to silence and started to caress his forehead after I have safely tucked him to bed. “You should be with him right now, Junhoe.” He whispered, his eyes fluttering to sleep. “No, Jiwon. I _am_ where I should be right now.” I said with earnest.

Tonight, I have no roommate, I have no best friend. Tonight, all I have is Jiwon. I started to hum Me to You, You to Me’s melodies and Jiwon began to relax. “I wish you were the one whom I loved since the beginning, Junhoe.” He said with a sweet smile on his lips before completely dozing off.

That night, I cried miserably for the first time. _Yes Jiwon, if you have just loved me from the start, you won’t be feeling that kind of pain right now._ So the next morning I showed up in front of his doorsteps with one goal in mind and a long stem of red rose in my hand. “Will you let me be with you until you’re completely healed?” With shaking hands and a crazily beating heart, I saw him nodded with bright eyes. Finally, I can now show you how I love you deeply. ]

The cool winter air of December is making the whole place looks festive. Blinking lights covered the whole park and a tall Christmas tree is standing tall at the heart of it. Christmas is fast-approaching and everyone is looking forward to celebrate the event. But not me who was standing in front of Jiwon who was sitting at the gazebo near the park. If it was just a different situation, I would all be happy to spend it with him. But reality is, it’s not me whom he wanted to be with on that day.

“Junhoe” he called softly. His voice is so velvety, my heart almost dropped on the floor. Can I really end this tonight? Will I be able to finally let him go? He started to walk towards me making my hands sweat. He grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me in for a tight hug, and this time, I can’t stop myself from tearing up. This is all so painful. _Why can’t I just have him? Why can’t I just keep him?_

“Jiwon” I tried to hide the cracks of my voice but my eyes failed me. Jiwon shuffled to look at me but I grabbed him tighter, so tight that I unintentionally dug my fingernails on his back. “Let’s stay like this for a little while.” Even though Jiwon seems confused, he remained silent. But I failed to stop myself from sniffing.

“Are you sure, you’re fine? What’s the matter?” I shook my head vehemently. God, I can’t do this. I laid my head on his shoulder and kissed him on the crook of his neck.

“Are you really alright?” Jiwon asked for the second time. To avoid confusion, I cleared my throat and hurriedly wiped my eyes off with tears. “Yeah, I’m fine. One week of not seeing you made me grew fonder for you.” I tried to stifle a forced chuckle with my lame joke.

We settled on the cold concrete where Jiwon laid his thick scarf on it and we cuddled while watching the passersby. A flicker of memory hit me and remembered that wehave been exclusively dating for a year now today. And ironically, instead of us celebrating it, I’m planning to _end_ it tonight.

“Jiwon.” I called earning a hum from him to acknowledge it. “Are you completely _healed_ yet?” The moment I said those words, his head snapped towards me. Confusion crossed his warm golden eyes. “What healed? The last time I remember, I am completely fine.” I heaved a deep breath and came out from his warm embrace. “I meant your heart, Jiwon.” I looked at him with cold serious stare. He met my gaze and a tension settled over us quickly. However, it disappeared right away.

“I still need more time, Junhoe.” Jiwon said with calculative certainty making my heart sink to the bay. “But I _have_ to leave.” Five words. Just five words made my already broken heart further break into micro pieces. Pained eyes was the only response I got from him. “I needed to go somewhere, Jiwon.” I repeated in much simpler words. “When?”

“As soon as possible.” _Tonight_

“Why is it so sudden?” _I have to._ “Junhoe, please be honest with me. What’s wrong?” _I’m sorry Jiwon, it was all my fault._ I can’t hold the pain back anymore. Everything came rushing in, my overflowing love for the man in front of me, my anger for my greed, and my almost completely gone respect for my own self. I broke down in front of Jiwon without intending to do so. It was so overwhelming, I can’t contain all of it that I’m afraid I’ll explode right there and then.

Jiwon worriedly enclosed me to his tight hug. “Junhoe, please tell me.” But all I could do is to sob hard. And when Jiwon can’t press me for any answer, he just continuously caressed my back. We stayed entangled for a little while but I am only taking it as a chance to muster all my strengths up and end it completely and cleanly.

Once I have calmed down, Jiwon pulled me out of the hug and searched for my eyes but I stayed looking down. “Junhoe?” Hearing him calls my name is making me weaker, but it’s enough. This is already enough. I have to do this or I’ll waste my chance once again. I heaved a deep breath and stared at him sternly. “I am tired, Jiwon. I got tired nursing your broken heart. And I think one year is already enough to help you.”

I cursed my self. Are these double-edged words were the same ones Hanbin said to him? Does this make me indifferent from my best friend? I think this is enough. Any more painful word will be uncalled for. It isn’t his fault why I became greedy. But for the last time, I will indulge my self. I will let myself feel _love_ for the last time.

I pulled him closer to me and kissed his sweet lips. This was not the first time I tasted his mouth but tonight was special, I kissed him like I was telling him how I am deeply in love with him. The moment I ended the kiss, I smiled against his lips.

_Yes, this is enough for me._

Without looking back I ran away from him. But after just a few step, I heard him say something. “I love you.” I stopped from walking away. I closed my eyes to savour those words. It was so sweet and blissful. _And I love you too. But I have to look for myself first. I hope you well. Goodbye, my dear Jiwon._

I continued my pace and just after I got out of the park, one small snowflake fell on my eyelash. I smiled bitterly. Snowfall is Jiwon’s favourite, especially the first day. And sadly, I was never beside him whenever that happens. I ran towards my car and hurriedly sped off.

I breathed deeply making me realize that I was holding my breath for so long, I coughed continuously and filled my lungs with air. It’s so ironic to see that I am still alive despite feeling the most unbearable pain. And with that, I was reminded of what Chanwoo had told me one week ago.

 _It’s your time now to end your worst nightmare._ No, Chanwoo. Jiwon was not my worst dream. He will **never** be one.

 _You can get out of that bad dream and we will be there for you._ I know but being with Jiwon is the **best** place for me.

 _If you really wanted to be happy, stop clinging on to him._ Jiwon is my happiness. He is the sole reason of my existence. And loving him is already enough—no, it was **more, more than enough** for me.

 _Can you be honest with me, Junhoe, do you still love yourself?_ That time I stop processing everything and turned the car around. I don’t care if there was a ‘No U-turn’ sign before me and a traffic enforcer waving his baton. I reversed my car and sped off, counter flowing.

**Yes, I still love myself. Even if I’m loving Jiwon so dangerously.**

I stopped my car without turning the ignition off and ran all the way back to the gazebo; back to Jiwon’s arms. Luckily, the man is still there, on his knees and is silently praying. I am quite overhearing his prayers.

“God, Junhoe was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I was too late to realize his worth. But please, forgive me just this once. Please, take him back to me. Let me be with him and I promise you, I’ll give him all the love that he deserves. Please, hear my sincere plead.”

My tears spilled one by one from my eyes. Did I just _almost_ leave the only man I have ever love? How can I even think of it! “Jiwon” I called his name with so much longing the same time his eyes has opened.

The moment our eyes locked, we had a sudden understanding. And we both know this will last. Our lips stretched into a smile as I inch closer to him to ask for his hand to help him get up. I would do this for all I can. I’ll keep aiming my hand and hold his hand tightly. He took it and we walked towards our uncertain future hand in hand.

But before we can leave the place, my phone suddenly buzzed with a call from an unknown number. “Yes?”

“Are you the person who owns a black Murcielago with a plate number J2131?”

“Yes I am.” I answered with a furrowed brows. Even Jiwon looked at me in confusion.

“You are invited to head to the Police District, Sir. You have incurred multiple traffic violations.” Upon hearing it, I locked gazes with the man beside me.

It seems like our uncertain future starts with a visit to the police station. 

Fin.


End file.
